Visiting the Dark Side

It was such a relief to have the worst of this process behind me. Ha! Little did I know that the worst was yet to come.

Early into the next week the Scheduler from the Sleep Lab called to set me up with my second sleep study. “What? Second study? Why?”

I had passed the first study with flying colors and been diagnosed with sleep apnea. The doctor had ordered the second study to determine proper treatment. Why had I thought a second study would be given only if I didn’t “pass” the first study?

So a week later, I bundled myself off to the hospital for another night’s stay. Heck, it hadn’t been so bad, a few wires, but I had slept. This time I was an old hand at the routine, I only brought one pillow and arrived ready for bed, already in my jammies. What was the point of wearing street clothes? It’s not like I wasn’t going to sleep in my sweats anyway. They had obviously set the thermostat on “arctic cold” and so I was wrapped up in layers with my warmest hoodie to keep me cozy this time. So clever me.

I had the same attendant and we went through the Hook up bizness like the old pros that we were. She asked if I breathed through my mouth when I slept. Well, usually through my nose, but sometimes I did sleep with my mouth open. Who doesn’t, for cryin out loud? Then came the introduction of the “sleep machine” which looked like a clear plastic, full face gas mask with a vacuum cleaner hose stuck out one end of it. She actually planned to stick this device on my head so they could “gauge” how I breathed. Yeah, that mask stayed in place about 15 seconds before I was clawing it off, yelling “I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe! Is that gauged enough?”

”OK” she said. “We’ll have to try another mask.”

Whatever!!! This time she came back with one that looked a little friendlier and only covered my nose. She snapped it in place, warned me that I must keep my mouth closed at all times. She then asked if I would need a “strap” to wrap about my head to assure that I would keep my mouth closed and only breathe through my nose. I told her it was totally unnecessary. Right! Come on. You’d have said the same thing. She made sure she had me properly connected to all her dials and gadgets. Turned off the lights and happily tripped down the hall to monitor the computer hooked up to me and catch a little late night TV. I did my best to find a way to lie down but found myself gasping for air frequently. This required my opening my mouth, naturally. After about 15 minutes of trying to breathe into the mask only, I realized it was a no go. I pulled the mask off my face and little Miss Suzie Sunshine was back through the door in a flash. “Sorry, I feel like I’m being suffocated. I just can’t do this.”

“OK” she said, “well let me call my supervisor and I’ll be right back.”

Yeah, Honey you just do that. I was wondering if perhaps this would be the time I was going to fail the test when back she comes with yet another mask. Cripes. How many of these things do these people have anyway? This one is a small tube device with a fitting that (believe it or not) fits right up my nose. Wheeeeeeee! But it works. I finally am able to tolerate having air forced into my nasal cavity at the force of hurricane gale. Of course, it’s only a few minutes before I’m yelling “Uncle” again. My nose is so dried out I can’t stand it.

Suzie Sunshine now adds a humidifier to my equipment. I finally manage to doze off and sleep for about an hour. I awake in pain. My nose feels like it’s on fire. I know I’ll never be able to tolerate this “treatment”! I’d rather be sleep deprived the rest of my life. Whatever. I’m going to take a break and head for the bathroom. After my pit stop, Suzie is back to get me started over again. I ask if there is something I can have to relieve the dryness in my nose and explain that it is so dry it actually hurts.

This time she didn’t have to go call her supervisor. She said the next step was to try a “warm humidifier” which used to replace the cool humidifier. I am soon hooked back up. There is some problem getting the hoses stuck up my nose to stay in place which she solves with a roll of tape. She simply tapes the non-compliant device down to my face (you can bet by now, I'm realy CUTE). I soon catch the rhythm (I have since learned that the computer in the machine actually matches your breathing rhythm, instead of you trying to match its) and in utter amazement find myself waking up a couple hours later afraid to move. I do not want to dislodge anything, so decide to just tough it out until morning. I turn over and finally doze a bit and then Suzie is there to tell me it’s morning and time to go home.

I pull my coat on and head out the ER exit. Thankfully, there is no snow, my windows are NOT iced over and my doors aren’t frozen shut. I take a deep breath, climb into my car and head home. Nothing had been said about ever having to come back for a 3rd study. The worst was definitely behind me now.