On Becoming Ms. Vader

A few weeks ago (or was it months) I mentioned my doctor’s suspicion that I had something called “sleep apnea”. Well, what fun! So anyway, I thought it was time to get back here and update you with all the exciting adventures I and Darth Vader have been having since then.

My adventure began with an overnight stay for a “sleep study” at a nearby hospital. They checked me in through the ER and a young woman came and escorted me (they instructed me to bring my own pillows, pajamas, and a change of clothes) and my huge bag of paraphernalia to the Sleep Lab which was located in a windowless tomb of a place just off the rehabilitation wing in the basement. The room was OK… it had a large double bed to delude you into thinking they wanted you to get a good night’s rest. Whatever!

I was told to do my usual night routine (how? there’s no TV in here. There’s a recliner, so I could conceivably fall asleep in the recliner while pretending to watch TV then get up and stumble off to bed, but somehow it just wasn’t the same), so I happily pretend to comply. After washing up, getting into my jammies, and such the young lab worker returned to hook me to about 5,000 wires connected to a computer in the closet next to the bed. I have heart monitors to check if I’m still alive, wires to my face, legs, eyebrows, head, nose, mouth, glued to my hair, on the end of my finger to see if I’m getting enough oxygen, then, in that way too cheerful voice, she says, “OK, I’ll just turn off the lights while you get some sleep.” You bet your life, sweetie pie, I’m all about going to sleep now. I gave myself a good talking to curled up with all those wires protruding out of me, and quietly passed out. This was not something I ever wanted to have to experience twice in my lifetime.

The night ended with only a couple interruptions to take a walk to the bathroom. In the morning, my torturer came to disconnect me, but I rather figured I needed to head for the bathroom first. For the first time I saw my reflection in the mirror over the sink. I nearly passed out laughing at the weird woman staring back at me. Wires everywhere with all different colored endings on them. My hair sticking up every which way it could stick and me looking like something straight out of a science fiction movie. I had everything to match the description except for the metal bowl which should have been screwed to the top of my head with a large antenna sticking out of it.

After my return from the john, the attendant proceeded to disconnect me, letting me know that all the jells and goop would easily wash off in the shower. Well, can’t wait for that. She nicely wished me well and said everything looked fine and she wouldn’t see me again unless they needed a second sleep study done. Fat chance I would let them put me through that again. I had slept quite nicely and was sure, since I had heeded my own advice, I wouldn’t have to come back again. I headed out into the still dark freezing cold, only to find my car doors frozen shut and wishing I’d put this experience off until the weather was at least tolerable. After a few attacks on the doors of the car, I finally got the one on the passenger side to open up to my urgent pleas, and managed to hurl my considerable heft into some type form that got me past the gear shift and bucket seats, so I was able to push the door open on the driver’s side. I got the motor warming, the rear window defroster started, found the ice scraper and began removing the snow and ice off the stupid car. Why on earth had I not waited until spring to have this damn test done, anyway. What was I thinking. I didn’t need to spend a night in a sleep lab. That fact alone showed that I was totally operating with an oxygen starved brain.

Well, at least step one was behind me.