Mom has alzheimers

Mom has Alzheimer's.

No more beating of my breast while screaming at the heavens asking WHY?. There is no answer to that question; so I've stop asking it. This is not going away. My life will never be the same again and simply by accepting this I have stopped the downward spiral over the cliff. Mama has Alzheimer's. She is slowly slipping away before my eyes. I can't bring her back.

Tomorrow will be sadder than today, and the next and the next. I can't change it. I am trying to live with it. I can't understand it. I am accepting it; daily, I accept it over and over again. Now, I treasure each segment in time that holds a light in her eyes and a shared memory.

She fights to hang onto herself and is frightened to find that she is losing her battle. She makes notes and lists and tries to make sure she is not "crazy". "Crazy" is her explanation for the lost minutes that just happened and the puzzle solving process of what day it is. She knows something is wrong and can't keep straight who called, what happened yesterday, last week, what she had for lunch and if she slept well. "I wake up in a new world every day," is one of her favorite expressions. Now she adds that she wakes up in a new world when she wakes from a short nap.

The memories slip farther and farther behind. Back to a time where I hold no memories. They are her escape, her youth, her memories. She now resides in the time she was Maggie Jiggs her nickname growing up. "I didn't know my name was Mary until I started school," she says. "They called me Maggie because I was so ugly." I can't imagine my mother ever being ugly. To me she has always been beautiful; perfectly turned out; perfectly proper. Ugly, I can't bring up an image of her that matches that description.

She is now, and always will be, my beautiful, proper, perfect Mom. Afterall, she is 96 years old. She can't be expected to remember everything, can she?